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Why is it obvious to us what change someone else might need to make, but seems less obvious to them? And why is it when we want change for ourselves, even with the best of intentions, we sometimes fall flat? New Year’s Resolutions can speak to this: we set well meaning goals and by the third week of January, we stumble.

If there is one thing we can be certain of in life though, it’s that nothing stays the same. The nature of impermanence means that change is inevitable, and whether we want change or not, it comes anyway.

In fact, one of the key teachings in mindfulness training is attachment; the cause of our suffering is linked to our ideas of how we think some things “should be”, while we want others to be exactly as they are.

Mindset, including how we approach change, is important when thinking about living “the good life”.

There are other reasons we find change hard, especially if we resist it. Some of us benefit from a status quo, and prefer things the way they are, while others may not have the energy to do anything different at all.

However as the saying goes, if we always do what we’ve always done, we’ll always get what we’ve always got. If we want change to work for us, we can explore ways to start.

The good news is that we now know, thanks to emerging science around meuroplasticity, that no matter how old a person is, they are capable of change.

We can develop new, healthier habits, we can find new ways to centre our well-being through acts of wellness, and by prioritising our values.

The ADKAR Model, originally developed by Jeff Hiat, can be adapted to help us explore the different Stages of Change, in terms of identifying where we may be along the scale, but also what stops us progressing or maintaining the change we’ve made.

Below is one version of this (others are available).

Awareness (Pre-Contemplation): Here, a person may have some awareness that things need to change but this may only be on the periphery of their thoughts; our window of the world can prevent us from seeing things as they are. A person is probably not actively considering change at this point, but possibly know something’s not right. They may have a sense of what’s working (and what’s not), what their options may be, and may even speak to others about what’s happening (eg, how they feel) though this will depend very much on the response they get, how safe they feel, and are unlikely to do anything to rock the boat at this stage.

Desire (Contemplation): At this stage, a person is acknowledging that a problem exists. They may be actively weighing up their options, in terms of risk and benefits (pros and cons). At this point, while there may be a desire for change and they may even build some momentum for it, the feelings associated with the risk can move them back into the “pre-contemplation” phase.

Knowledge (Preparation): Here, a person may be starting to learn what they need to facilitate the change, in terms of what support or resources are available. They may be making plans, checking in with others for guidance and making sure support is available, in order to take the next step. While this can be an exciting phase for someone, it can also be nerve wracking and again they may move back along the scale before any progress is made.

Ability (Action): At this stage, a person now has a timeline for action, and begins to implement their plan; they may start to modify their behaviours, alter coping strategies or change their circumstances. It’s important here that steps are small and focused on the basics of what they’re trying to achieve; it wouldn’t take much at this stage, for someone to fall back into old habits, or stall before any real progress is made. Nevertheless, even with three steps forward and two steps back, they’re still closer to change than they were before. This makes the point of how important community is here, to help build their confidence that they can continue.

Reinforcement (Maintenance): Once the change has been made, it will need to be maintained and again the support of others here can be critical. A person who has made a change may seek out other like-minded people, if they haven’t already, for example joining support groups and possibly even setting an intention to help others make the change they’ve made, as motivation to keep going. Here a person may no longer see the benefits they once saw from their old behaviours, and actually look back in wonder at how far they’ve come. However, at this point a person can feel a lot of pressure to maintain the change, and even at this stage it’s possible for someone to relapse. Instead of viewing this as a failure, they can be reminded of their progress, and that they can handle this change, because they achieved it before.

Sometimes before real change can take hold, we may need to do the Shadow Work of understanding why we think and behave a certain way, and this can be part of the Stages of Change, ideally with the support of others who know what they’re doing.

Similarly we may need to develop emotion regulation skills, like 5-4-3-2-1 or EFT. We might also need to work out where we are in our Window of Tolerance, in order to pace ourselves appropriately, before we commit to too much change or too quickly. It’s also important to challenge any self-talk that doesn’t demonstrate self-compassion.

Above all, it can be really helpful to find the people who can help, to support the change in a way that’s worthwhile; before long the change can be another step to a life that’s meaningful.

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Delphi is the author of Answers In The Dark: Grief, Sleep and How Dreams Can Help You Heal, out now on Amazon and Hive.  The Helping You Sparkle™ magazine is part of the Helping You Sparkle™ portfolio. References to third parties does not endorse their content. Please read these policies for details.