If you’ve ever attended a professional training course, the first thing the tutor usually does is set the ground rules for the day. These almost always include respecting each other’s opinion.

But how often do you set ground rules in your everyday life? Ground rules can be a set of personal boundaries which make clear:

• what’s acceptable – and unacceptable – to you
• the things you’re prepared to tolerate from other people, and
• the standards you set for yourself.

The problem is we often set standards higher for ourselves than we do for other people, and relax the rules for those closest to us, or where they may be most needed.

So, how do we make boundaries work? Here’s three ideas that might help.

1. Draw Your Lines

The first thing to decide is what boundaries you need and where your lines are drawn. What is okay – and not okay – to you? What will you accept, what is unacceptable? What matters, and what needs to change? What do you want more – or less of – in your life? How can you set a reasonable standard for yourself and others, that makes it clear what is healthy and what’s not?

It might be something practical, for example:

• you might not want family and friends to call/text after 9pm or before 8am unless it’s urgent. That way you’re assured of a good night’s rest without being disturbed.

Or it might be something that can enhance your wellbeing; for example, you might want less negativity in your life, and instead would like to be surrounded by people who bring out the best in you.

Other personal boundaries could include:

1. Setting the intention to be kind to yourself every day
2. Challenging helpfully those who push or invade your ground rules
3. Spending time on things that matter to you, having clear lines in your calendar about when you’re available (and not, like during lunchtime). 

Take some time to think about what your boundaries are, and whether or not they’re working for you. Then think about how to set them.

Just as a point of interest before proceeding, a note about terminology:

A boundary invasion is when someone displays behaviour that’s unacceptable to you including (but not limited to) giving you unsolicited advice. It may be unintentional, and often under the banner of “just trying to help”, but still not ok.

A boundary violation is when the rules (of what will and won’t be tolerated) are clear but someone breaks them anyway. This is often intentional and driven by power and control. People who do this don’t care that you’ve drawn a line, only about getting what they want, despite the personal cost to you. If someone is doing this around you, it’s ok to draw a line and/or ask for help.

2. Communicate

The next thing to consider is how you communicate them.  Communication of boundaries is key to them working successfully, without creating conflict.

Once you know what your boundaries are, see if you can find a way to explain this to those around you, while calmly making your point. Practice it with a friend (or professional) until you feel you can get your point across in a healthy and meaningful way.

Setting your ground rules and saying no to someone can be hard. It can make us feel guilty, especially if we’ve always given in or let them have their way before. But remember you have a right to put your health first, to be heard, and a right to be safe. (If you feel unsafe in a relationship, organisations like Refuge can help).

You also have a right to say no, without explaining yourself. You can always say “thank you” then follow up with phrases like:

• I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me
• It’s kind of you to offer, but I’ll pass
• I appreciate you asking. Perhaps another time?

It’s also important to remember, a boundary is not a request. A request might look like: “Can you stop interrupting me?” Whereas a boundary will explain the consequences: “I’d like to stop being interrupted. If that keeps happening, l’m leaving this conversation.”

This can be done compassionately and assertively.

If you’re feeling tense about saying what you need, you could try the tip in my YouTube video below.

3. Consider the Benefits

Ground rules are there for everyone’s benefit, not least of all to protect your mental health and well-being. If people know where they stand they’re less likely to push the boundaries, in the same way as you may feel more confident in maintaining them. So just as you would on a training course, when you need a helpful conversation with someone, you could set the intention to respect each other’s opinions, and give them your full attention.

If people think there are no lines, they may be quick to take advantage, or perhaps more innocently violate a boundary because they weren’t clear. 

Setting personal boundaries is a way of caring for yourself, so that you can be there for others when they need you. It’s not selfish to create your ground rules, so give yourself permission to set them. If you find it hard to do at first, remember to show compassion to yourself as you find your way forward in a meaningful way.

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Delphi is the author of Answers In The Dark: Grief, Sleep and How Dreams Can Help You Heal, out now on Amazon and Hive.  You might also like: Monday Mojo™ – feel-good motivation for the week ahead.

©️ Delphi Ellis 2023, this post was originally published in 2018 and has since been updated for publication here.