⚠️ This article touches briefly on controlling behaviours and potentially unhealthy memories of childhood. Please take care of yourself if you choose to read this article. This list of links may also be useful.

Have you ever heard phrases like “respect your elders”, “finish your plate”, “big boys don’t cry”, or felt the emphasis placed on being a “good girl”? If so, you may have developed some “Rules for Living”.

These aren’t the same as the laws of the land – the ones we should follow to stay out of trouble with local (or national/global) authorities.

Our “Rules for Living” generally include conditioned responses and behaviours we developed or were taught growing up, more often than not to be (or keep us) in someone else’s ‘good books’ or to have our emotional needs met. In other words, we followed the “rules” to feel loved and safe, and this in itself created a boundary or container we lived (or survived) within.

What many of these “rules” achieved was actually our silence and/or compliance. We may have learned it was “better” not to speak up, not to ask for what we need and not to show dissatisfaction or discomfort. In the presence of an adult, the “respect your elders” rule meant we may have grown to believe we had no right to say anything at all – even when something wasn’t ok – especially if you were told “you should be seen and not heard”.

Knowing the “Rules”

For many of us, this will have continued in to adulthood, showing up in a number of ways. For example, as adults we might:

• find it hard to challenge anyone “in authority”, be it a parent, teacher, boss or politician;
• have trouble expressing and potentially regulating particularly intense emotions – we may have sat on them for so long we can’t be sure exactly what we feel;
• develop the belief that we’re not worthy enough to contribute to a conversation or idea;
• do things almost on autopilot, without possibly asking why; e.g. we eat everything we’re presented with, even if we are full (and may even expect the same of others);
• say yes when we mean no, possibly because we rear rejection;
• describe ourselves as a ‘control freak’ (because control might feel safe, even if it’s unhealthy);
• feel disconnected from the world around us, perhaps because we feel like we fall short, don’t measure up or are never “enough”;
• strive for perfection, and ironically may even sabotage our own success because we don’t want to get “too big for our boots” (another “Rule for Living”).

After a while, we may not even realise we’ve developed these ‘rules’, and so they become embedded (or entrenched) in our ways of being and become our own voice. The classic example of this is, as mentioned above, when we were told to finish our plate as a child, and as an adult we expect others to do the same – without ever questioning why.

Here’s what might help:

1. Pause and reflect: If it’s helpful, you could spend some time (perhaps no more than 20 minutes at first) to see what “rules” you may have carried in to adulthood, particularly paying attention to where these narratives or beliefs hold you back. If you were raised to be a “good girl” or told you shouldn’t express certain emotions you may, for example, see crying as “bad” but see making people laugh is “good”. You could keep a journal to record your findings, perhaps for discussion with a friend, therapist, or to create an inspired well-being action plan. (The points below may also help.). You could also use your journal to create a new narrative. Instead of saying “Big boys don’t cry” you could say “A good cry can be good for us. I’m allowed to express my emotions in healthy ways”.
2. Consider the why: When you become aware of some of these narratives or beliefs, and particularly how these show up for you today, you could ask yourself the value of still doing them. As a child you may have been told to look left and right, before crossing the road – that’s a healthy rule for living! However, if you identify with the example of “finish your plate”, you might ask why it continues today, and prioritise well-being instead. If food itself has become a concern for you, seeing a specialist may be an option too.
3. Explore your relationship with authority: If you were told as a child to “respect your elders” you could ask yourself, looking back now as an adult, if they ever respected you? That doesn’t mean we should legitimise holding a grudge, but more consider how this fear of authority is silencing or influencing us today. You could remind yourself that you have the right to ask for what you need, and to say when something’s not ok. (See also point 5). It doesn’t mean you’re more important than anyone else, just that your voice matters too.
4. Develop EQ: Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to recognise and regulate our own emotions, and often requires a level of emotional literacy – language to describe how we actually feel. With EQ, instead of saying “I’m anxious”, we might say “I’m frightened” or “scared”. Rather than saying “depressed”, we might say we feel “sadness”, “disappointment” or “shame”. You can also use techniques like mindfulness as a way to help you notice when you’re not ok, and engage in a restorative act of self-care, especially on the bad days.
5. Practice assertiveness: cocky is not the same as confident, and aggressive is not the same as assertive, though they are often conflated with each other. Assertiveness is a behaviour that recognises that we each have a right to say how we feel, ask for what we need while acknowledging that life is a two way street – and it’s ok to set boundaries. If you’ve developed people-pleasing, for example, you could find ways to say “no” that you’re comfortable with. You could try “Thank you for asking, that doesn’t work for me” or “I’m going to say no on this occasion, but do ask me again”. You’re also allowed to blow your own trumpet for achievements that you’ve made. Author Adam Grant uses the term “confident humility”; in essence cultivating the ability to celebrate your success, achieving your potential while still being accountable for your actions, knowing your limitations and being open to change.

Pushing back on these “rules” will feel uncomfortable at first (because change isn’t always “easy” and we naturally resist the unfamiliar) so it can he helpful to think about the benefits of challenging the “rules”. What doors will open up for you? What choices could you make that will enhance your well-being? What will you gain weighed against what you may “lose”? Remember, the people who don’t like your new boundaries may be the reason you need them.

The recognition of neuroplasticty means we also now know we have the capacity for meaningful change, once we know how. It’s not easy, takes time, energy and courage, but for our well-being we can learn to release the narratives and beliefs that might not even belong to us. Once you know what your “rules” are and how they’re showing up for you, you can begin the process of liberating yourself from the weight of what’s holding you down.

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Delphi is the author of Answers In The Dark: Grief, Sleep and How Dreams Can Help You Heal, out now on Amazon and Hive.  You might also like Monday Mojo™. The Helping You Sparkle™ magazine is part of the Helping You Sparkle™ portfolio.

© Delphi Ellis 2024 | Policies