In a world where information is available at our finger tips, there will still be times when an internet search engine can’t give us the answers we need. If you’ve found yourself in a situation that develops into, or exacerbates, anxiety you’ll understand the difficulty of managing periods of uncertainty.
Our fears and worries rise when we’re trying to deal with what we don’t know and, to counteract the feeling, we may try to control or run away from it.
In the face of anything we don’t like, we automatically try to escape.
Pema Chödrön
We might spend hours staring at our phones or laptops waiting for a response we feel we need. We may become impatient, expecting people to respond within our timescales (even if others can’t), or perhaps withdraw, feeling defeated instead.
Ironically, this can create more anxiety and for all concerned.
There may be occasions where we feel like the best step is to take healthy action, identifying helpful steps forward, or developing goals to help us get where we want to be. But options can feel limited when we’re dealing with the unknown.
Whether it’s not knowing what to say or do, or waiting for news of an outcome of a situation, uncertainty might leave you feeling vulnerable, frustrated and afraid.
When our mind feels like it’s in a tailspin – spiralling with “what if’s…” – it can get crowded very quickly, feeling like we have no room to think straight. So what can we do?
Develop Awareness
The first step to managing a period of uncertainty can be recognising how and where it’s affecting you, and considering what you can – and can’t – control.
When you recognise you can’t control the wait or the outcome, it can help to create a plan. I call this a “Not-Knowing Plan”.
The purpose of the Not-Knowing Plan is to help you manage the time between what’s taking place and the outcome; the period of waiting, that many describe as “being in limbo.” So the awareness starts with recognising what you’re feeling and considering “what can help me with this that’s healthy, whilst I wait?”
“There is no shame in not knowing, only freedom.”
Andy Puddicomb, Founder of Headspace
Try RAIN
It can help to identify what you can and can’t control and, where you can’t control something, to come up with a strategy for coping that remains helpful and healthy. One way is an adapted version of the RAIN technique, popularised by Tara Brach (you may wish to read the content below before trying the activity, and only do this if it feels helpful).
Here’s an example: You’re waiting for some test results or the outcome of a job interview.
R – Recognise the feeling: you might feel anything from anxious or worried, disappointed or angry. Label it in your mind for what it is – a feeling – without getting caught up in the storyline of why. Suspend judgement for a moment, about what’s caused the feeling or why, and label it factually for what you recognise it to be – eg “this feels like worry/fear/frustration”.
A – Acknowledge the feeling, allow it to exist for a moment if you can; give yourself permission to feel. We know that suppressing feelings rarely works for us long-term. Also acknowledge what you can do, or have already done, that’s within your control. For example, you might have asked the person you’re waiting to hear from when you’ll get a call. Then acknowledge and appreciate what you’ve done to take positive action in this situation. If you want to, say the words (in your mind or out loud) “I’ve done all I can do in this moment”. This is important, to recognise you’re doing all you can constructively to help yourself and the situation.
I – Investigate: See if you can get to the heart of what’s really going on for you in this period of uncertainty, and again try this non-judgementally – we call this “Compassionate Enquiry”. Is what you’re feeling really anger, or is it fear? Is what you’re feeling actually annoyance, or is it disappointment? If it’s hard to get in touch with the feeling, see if you can identify where you are storing this feeling in your body. It could be in your belly, neck or somewhere else. Only do this if it feels helpful.
N – Nurture: while you’re waiting for an answer or navigating this period of uncertainty, focus on a form of nurturing or nourishing your body (this doesn’t have to mean with food). For example, you could try activities which help activate your body’s natural relaxation response (the opposite of fight or flight) – there’s a grounding exercise below and a self-soothing activity video further down.
Non- judgement is key, to be kind to yourself especially while you find your way forward at this time in your life. This isn’t a distraction activity, because you’re acknowledging that you’re feeling something and, instead of pushing it away, allowing it to exist while you work on calming your body and mind. You’re not trying to change anything, except control your responses helpfully and proactively when things feel difficult.
You might also find counselling useful as a way of managing uncertainty, and engaging in self-care is essential when faced with difficult situations or decisions.
Your plan is your own, so figure out what positive steps you can take that you feel will help. Remember it can be useful to talk about how you feel, so reach out to people you trust and explain to them how they can help be part of your Not Knowing Plan. The key is to focus your attention to something helpful you can do, to maintain your wellbeing, whilst you wait to find out what’s going on.
Always speak to your doctor if you’re worried about your mental health.
Delphi is a counsellor, corporate well-being trainer and mindfulness practitioner. She is the author of Answers In The Dark: Grief, Sleep and How Dreams Can Help You Heal, out now on Amazon and Hive
©️ Copyright Delphi Ellis, updated June 2023
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